Ballad of Forlan

We have received another gem of World Cup poetry:


Forlan is forlorn,
Uraguay are gorn
They did their best
But from their chests
Their little hearts are torn.

Rab Niles

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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HANDY RECIPE!

How to make a La Roux

First melt a little butter in a saucepan over a low heat, then gradually add some plain flour.
Stir well until blended.
This La Roux can be used as the basis for white sauce, bread sauce or interesting retro pop sounds.

Jo.V. Ality.
 

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A NEW 'ICKLE WORLD CUP RHYME!

I wish I could find a rhyme for Schweinsteiger,
The fairest of them all,
The body of a God,
And the hairdo of a tiger!

Abject apologies,
Blaise R.N.

AN OPEN LETTER TO LA ROUX

Dear La Roux,
I greatly admire your mighty trichological erection. I do, however, fear for its structural integrity. The bigger they are the harder they fall, they say. And it's becoming distinctly flacid these days, causing you to play with it insecurely. Ask yourself this- what exactly are you trying to achieve with it? Are you in direct competition with Jedward? Because they're just not worth it, they'll never win, you were the first to attempt the unicorn look and people will never forget that (no, really, they won't) and it took courage too, brave I call it Elly, brave, there were so many names you could have been called- k***-head, d***-head are just two examples.
So to conclude, I beg you to remember size isn't everything, sometimes smaller is better (or more structurally sound from an engineering point of view).
Love, EVENING ALL!

WORLD CUP UPDATE:

PRETTY BOYS EXPECTED TO PLAY FOOTBALL TOO!!

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.


In what has been described as a "massive miscarriage of justice toward beautiful people" by Antonio Banderas, it today emerged that FIFA actually expect the more aesthetically pleasing players to engage in athletic nonsense and competition along with their fellow players.
A comment was over-heard at a secret FIFA press conferance made by none other than FIFA President Sepp(tic) Blatter. Mr. Blatter was heard to say something like "We all know how gorgeous Cristiano is, but he still has to play football". The comment was then leaked by the international press who happened to be standing by with microphones and dictaphones, and camera phones and gramophones (playing Leadbelly).
The dasterdly fiends then went and repeated what they heard, leading to outrage from the pretty people of the media. Johnny Depp is reportedly inconsolable, weeping and fixing his hair repeatedly, while Beyonce is said to be going on hunger strike until the situation is resolved to her satifaction. The pontential loss of Beyonce's booty is putting massive pressure on FIFA who declined to comment but were seen weeping and wringing their hands. At this point the press reportedly stopped playing Leadbelly and opened their mouths wide and let their jaws drop in a well rehearsed display of shock. Martin Nuttella of the International Press Association said "We've been looking for an opportunity just like this to show our acting skills, we've been working very hard at it and are looking for parts in movies and t.v. Nothing big at first, just small cameos or maybe even extra work. We got tired of always being behind the cameras."
Apparently Cristiano Ronaldo is puzzled by the fuss saying simply "Yeah, I knew that already, I've been treated cruelly for years."
EVENING ALL! is still recovering from the loss of Ronaldo from the competition, only to be followed by the loss of Kaka and the sending off of Suarez of  Uruguay the next day. Our regular sports reporter Chancer MacSwindle took to the bottle and isn't expected to be seen for a while, this article being penned by our cookery expert Mrs. Beetlejuice, and isn't she doing a fine job? Hum? Hum? Oh well suit yourself.

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

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A LITTLE WORLD CUP POEM

We've just had an exciting new contribution to our wonderful publication, a little World Cup poem:

Germany had a little Lahm
His feet were fleet, you know
And everywhere the ball went
Lil Lahm was sure to go!

L. Serbian


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NEW LINE OF FRAGRANCES

Article and Picture by Joe Kerr

A collection of new fragrances was launched today which has some eyebrows raised. The designer? None other than Jeff Goldblum. Goldblum, who previously joked about his own line of fragrances, said today in his press launch  "...ah, I thought to myself, ah, you know, I know what smells good. I know, what I want to smell...like...so why not...eh, do it". The flagship scent is 'Spanish Guitar', which Goldblum said was inspired to make by an incident on the set of Jurassic Park, when Sam Neill took out a Spanish guitar and began singing an emotional song about Veal. "Eh, we were all...ya know, in shock...at how, eh, emotional he was...over this meal he had eaten,but it suddenly, WHAM, hit me. He smells great. But I thought, eh, a bit more, eh, clearly and noticed it was actually...the guitar." Other scents include, 'Beetroot Bonanza', 'BBQ Essence' and 'Ode to Oder',which apparently smells like the river Oder, when asked about this Goldblum gave a somewhat cryptic response "well, ah ha, its ah...likewater smell, but more...ah...fresh...yes" Some of the more controversial line, dubbed Got-to-be-Goldblum include 'Tang of Wet Dog', 'Bouquet of Buffalo' and the awe inspiring 'BeigeOlfactory'


Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.


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