Ballad of Forlan

We have received another gem of World Cup poetry:


Forlan is forlorn,
Uraguay are gorn
They did their best
But from their chests
Their little hearts are torn.

Rab Niles

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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HANDY RECIPE!

How to make a La Roux

First melt a little butter in a saucepan over a low heat, then gradually add some plain flour.
Stir well until blended.
This La Roux can be used as the basis for white sauce, bread sauce or interesting retro pop sounds.

Jo.V. Ality.
 

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A NEW 'ICKLE WORLD CUP RHYME!

I wish I could find a rhyme for Schweinsteiger,
The fairest of them all,
The body of a God,
And the hairdo of a tiger!

Abject apologies,
Blaise R.N.

AN OPEN LETTER TO LA ROUX

Dear La Roux,
I greatly admire your mighty trichological erection. I do, however, fear for its structural integrity. The bigger they are the harder they fall, they say. And it's becoming distinctly flacid these days, causing you to play with it insecurely. Ask yourself this- what exactly are you trying to achieve with it? Are you in direct competition with Jedward? Because they're just not worth it, they'll never win, you were the first to attempt the unicorn look and people will never forget that (no, really, they won't) and it took courage too, brave I call it Elly, brave, there were so many names you could have been called- k***-head, d***-head are just two examples.
So to conclude, I beg you to remember size isn't everything, sometimes smaller is better (or more structurally sound from an engineering point of view).
Love, EVENING ALL!

WORLD CUP UPDATE:

PRETTY BOYS EXPECTED TO PLAY FOOTBALL TOO!!

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.


In what has been described as a "massive miscarriage of justice toward beautiful people" by Antonio Banderas, it today emerged that FIFA actually expect the more aesthetically pleasing players to engage in athletic nonsense and competition along with their fellow players.
A comment was over-heard at a secret FIFA press conferance made by none other than FIFA President Sepp(tic) Blatter. Mr. Blatter was heard to say something like "We all know how gorgeous Cristiano is, but he still has to play football". The comment was then leaked by the international press who happened to be standing by with microphones and dictaphones, and camera phones and gramophones (playing Leadbelly).
The dasterdly fiends then went and repeated what they heard, leading to outrage from the pretty people of the media. Johnny Depp is reportedly inconsolable, weeping and fixing his hair repeatedly, while Beyonce is said to be going on hunger strike until the situation is resolved to her satifaction. The pontential loss of Beyonce's booty is putting massive pressure on FIFA who declined to comment but were seen weeping and wringing their hands. At this point the press reportedly stopped playing Leadbelly and opened their mouths wide and let their jaws drop in a well rehearsed display of shock. Martin Nuttella of the International Press Association said "We've been looking for an opportunity just like this to show our acting skills, we've been working very hard at it and are looking for parts in movies and t.v. Nothing big at first, just small cameos or maybe even extra work. We got tired of always being behind the cameras."
Apparently Cristiano Ronaldo is puzzled by the fuss saying simply "Yeah, I knew that already, I've been treated cruelly for years."
EVENING ALL! is still recovering from the loss of Ronaldo from the competition, only to be followed by the loss of Kaka and the sending off of Suarez of  Uruguay the next day. Our regular sports reporter Chancer MacSwindle took to the bottle and isn't expected to be seen for a while, this article being penned by our cookery expert Mrs. Beetlejuice, and isn't she doing a fine job? Hum? Hum? Oh well suit yourself.

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

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A LITTLE WORLD CUP POEM

We've just had an exciting new contribution to our wonderful publication, a little World Cup poem:

Germany had a little Lahm
His feet were fleet, you know
And everywhere the ball went
Lil Lahm was sure to go!

L. Serbian


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NEW LINE OF FRAGRANCES

Article and Picture by Joe Kerr

A collection of new fragrances was launched today which has some eyebrows raised. The designer? None other than Jeff Goldblum. Goldblum, who previously joked about his own line of fragrances, said today in his press launch  "...ah, I thought to myself, ah, you know, I know what smells good. I know, what I want to smell...like...so why not...eh, do it". The flagship scent is 'Spanish Guitar', which Goldblum said was inspired to make by an incident on the set of Jurassic Park, when Sam Neill took out a Spanish guitar and began singing an emotional song about Veal. "Eh, we were all...ya know, in shock...at how, eh, emotional he was...over this meal he had eaten,but it suddenly, WHAM, hit me. He smells great. But I thought, eh, a bit more, eh, clearly and noticed it was actually...the guitar." Other scents include, 'Beetroot Bonanza', 'BBQ Essence' and 'Ode to Oder',which apparently smells like the river Oder, when asked about this Goldblum gave a somewhat cryptic response "well, ah ha, its ah...likewater smell, but more...ah...fresh...yes" Some of the more controversial line, dubbed Got-to-be-Goldblum include 'Tang of Wet Dog', 'Bouquet of Buffalo' and the awe inspiring 'BeigeOlfactory'


Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.


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RAGING BEAUTY RONALDO SCORES 7 GOALS IN MATCH!

World Cup update:
Okay, he only scored one of them. But it was his first goal for Portugal in two years or something. And wasn't he a glorious sight on the pitch (drool, drool), 6'2" of pure womany-manhood (slobber) strutting around, peacock-like. Those thighs, that smile, that's part of the pretty boy trap. Now you may think I eat some kind of hormonal surge tablets for breakfast or something (and believe me I would if could find such a thing) but that's just me on a good day. But enough about me, back to Ronaldo.
His team mates decended on him at the historic moment, eager to congratulate the foxy forward. One apparently was even seen to have licked his neck, yeas, that's right, licked his neck.

Now wouldn't we all given half a chance (don't tell Chancer's wife Chancer said that *Ed), but maybe that wasn't the time or the place. Obviously it was an opportunity too good to be missed for one lust filled team mate. Elsewhere at the World Cup some other teams were involved in matches and stuff.










Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

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RECENT RISE IN RANDOM REMIXES

Article by Joe Kerr

Random remixes, a phenomenon, which began its inceptions on the Internet, has begun to creep its way into society at large. I’m not talking about l33t speakor phrases but remixes. Many celebrities have long suffered from remixes on the youtube, but there has been an alarming rise in the number of ordinary citizens who have suffered from remix moments intheir everyday life. Jen Rottford was sitting at home two weeks ago, talking to herself as she watched television. Suddenly and without warning, she began to repeat herself in a rhythmic pattern. Gradually more and more noises from around her began to be incorporated into her impromptu remix.
“I was terrified. I’ve never even been musically gifted before this and suddenly I was cuttin’ and splicin’, cuttin’ and splicin’, cuttin’and splicin’ spl-spl-spl-spliciiiiiiiiiiiiin”. At this stage Jen began moving erratically back and forth, much like what is seen in other prescripted remixes on the tube of you. Jen, however, is not alone. Some are no claiming that their remixes which been posted on their mytube accounts are actually recorded live. Police in Colorado, USA were stunned to find a group of people stuck in a remix loop after a recent game of shuffleboard, two remixed till they died (or remixed to the max as the local youts refer to it). FBI investigators were called in after a second case was reported 3 miles from the first. Speaking on the condition of anonymity an FBI SpecialAgent who first asked to be called Deepthroat, then X, before finally settling on Faux Milieu had this to say on the phenomenon; “People have been doing things spontaneously for thousands of years from falling in love to Spontaneous Human Combustion or SHC to those who know the truth. Despite what some cigarette smoking men will have you believe, there are those of us out there who believe, or at least want to believe, that spontaneity is an inherent part of our humanity. So I ask you, why wouldn’t people spontaneously begin remixing? Is it so far fetched to think that human beings are capable of so much more than we currently know…”. At this point our EVENING ALL researcher began to move away from theFBI agent, as his insistent ramblings were too much for even this believer. As the researcher left he could hear Special Agent Milieu shout “It was probably aliens anyway!”


Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.


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BP CEO TRIES TO CLEAN UP HIS MESS

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.
Article and picture by Ion Berslin

The Chief Executive of BP, Tony Hayward, has said that the amount of oil leaked into Gulf of Mexico is "tiny compared to the size of the ocean". Mr. Hayward has also said that he fears his job may be on the line simply because "We made a few little mistakes early on". Mr. Hayward, who previously held a job in the Iraqi Government in the Public Relations department, could be forgiven for thinking soley about his own job because after all, he to "wants his life back". Continuing with the motif of size, he recently said that he cares about "the small people" affected by this. Mr. Kyle Fuzzworth of the LPABP (Little People Against British Patrolium) said that while he appreciated the sentiment of Mr. Haywards statement, he thought that the symbolic rescue of a vertically challenged individual from an oilspill on a driveway by Mr. Hayward was crossing a line.
Mr Fuzzworth went on to say "This is just stupid, I mean could this man make anymore of an ass of himself in public". Moments after Mr. Fuzzworth had finished his sentence Mr. Hayward was seen spraying a child in the face with pepperspray while defending Hitlers innovative approach to racial tensions. Mr. Hayward later apologised for this, saying his remarks were merely taken out of context and that the child, who was cleaning a beach at the time, said he was hot and Mr. Hayward thought it was water he was spraying on his face.
Mr Hayward was unavailable for comment to EVENING ALL! as he was occupied with on going efforts to go yachting amid the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico.

Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

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JULIETTE BINOCHE REFUSES TO RESPOND IN EDITOR SNUB!

Gorgeous French actress Juliette Binoche has refused to respond to the open love letter send by EVENING ALL!'s editor. In what has been described as "a callous disregard for the Editor's (that's me) feelings", by the Editor, Ms Binoche has not so much as even given us her mobile number or address. In fact it's suspected the sexy-accented one may not have even read the letter or ever even heard of EVENING ALL! Unthinkable, I know, but she's like that, always too busy with silly movies and artistic endeavours and stuff to bother rooting out the vaguest of referances to her on the internet.
Although horribly insulted, EVENING ALL! intends sticking to it's position of love-sickness for La Binoche, and the invitation to contact us remains open.

WORLD CUP UPDATE

With the world cup fully in swing, now in the second week we finally convinced our sports editor Chancer MacSwindle to sober up and put trousers on and write an update with all the professionalism you’d expect from EVENING ALL!:

*Arrghh, bleurgghh, cough, cough* Yeah, right, here you go, I’m writing, are you satisfied? Here I am w-r-i-t-i-n-g. Now ****off and leave me alone.* EDITORS NOTE: (remove preceding comment before publication)




Wonderful World Cup Report 2010


Well the pitches have been filled with pretty-boys, each one more beautiful than the last, causing even the staunchest of lesbians to swoon slightly, or perhaps just confusing them with their great beauty, so here’s a list:



Pretty Boys of the World Cup:

Cristiano Ronaldo: (of course) Falling faster than the Irish Economy, this pretty Portuguese striker has a great talent for diving, if you were to go by Portugal’s first match it may be his only talent, that and doing his lollypops (don’t ask me, that’s what my Da calls it when he does that funny thing around the ball with his legs)

Giovani Dos Santos (Mexico): This stunning brunette has set the EVENING ALL! Offices all-a-flutter. With his bouncy bonce of bonny curls, the maiden of Mexico (well that’s my name for him, but then I’m one very confused individual, that’s why I drink, I bet the Editor told you that, did she? Did she? Huh!? I bet she told you I cross-dress too… Hum? Ah never mind ****off the lot of yiz bleurggh…ramble, ramble, mutter, mutter) anyhow, not just a pretty face this sultry striker is very handy (no not in a Thierry Henry kind of a way) on the pitch, working very hard to set up opportunities, this maiden does the work of ten men.

 Luis Suarez (Uruguay): Possibly more talented than Cristiano Ronaldo when it comes to diving, this striking striker has a placid beauty, like a still lake on a moonlit night, filling the screens with his stunning features. Involved in a nasty incident in which he almost lost a tooth in the clash against South Africa, when tears came to his eyes as he walked from the pitch, he took this hardened sports reporters heart with him, and my head became blurred with anger. Yes he may fall easy, but he was clearly being picked on by jealous opponents.

Jonas Gutierrez (Argentina) With his flowing locks and coat hanger shoulders, this square-shaped Argentine gets an honourable mention on the grounds that he bares a physical resemblance to the sexiest footballer ever (according to EVENING ALL! Office poll dated April 2010), Cristiane of the Brazilian women’s team. Not good for much else he serves an important reminder of the brilliant Brazilian, at a time when FIFA try to mask the smouldering women’s game with a lame masquerade of masculine football. You may tempt me with this pretty boy parade FIFA, but I’ll never
leave my team.

Hope that shuts you miserable lot up for a while, now I have to go and check my points in the Pusscat and Rory Memorial Cup Fantasy League, nothing gets between me and potential drinking money. *Bleuurrrgghhh*










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Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

THREAD IN FABRIC OF TIME PULLED IN EINSTEIN SHOCKER!

It was revealed today that Albert Einstein actually pulled out one of the threads in the very fabric of time itself. In his journal Einstein cheekily revealed how he pulled at one of the threads just to see what would happen. “I pulled at one of the threads just to see what would happen.” revealed the freaky physicist.

Until now the threads were believed to only be a metaphor, but Einstein revealed in a recently discovered journal how he located the threads in physical actuality.

“I was walking the road, deep in thought when suddenly what I had sought for so long was there right in front of me! The very universe itself had been revealed to me. With trembling hands I stooped to pick it up from its location in a puddle at the side of the road.”

The universe according to the great professor is actually trouser shaped, with an inside leg of 32, time being an area near the crotch, but he struggled to convince his peers of this fact. “They tried to convince me that I had made a great blunder, but I said to them, no, these trousers, they are the universe…”

As to what happened when he pulled the thread Einstein gloomily predicted, “The structural integrity of the universe has been compromised and its underwear revealed, and I only have myself to blame, I cannot tell what the consequences of this will be, maybe hotpants, I don’t know.”

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Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of it you only have yourself to blame.

WEIRD QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Lets have a round of applause for the wonderful and sad death of Lena Horne!" 

-Jools Holland. This is the weirdest thing Jools has said since he asked an old friend of Django Reinhardt's how Django was, Django Reinhardt's been dead for 57 years. Jools specialises in saying weird things about dead people.

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WEATHER REPORT

The weather today will be squeezy in the north, with slight hugs from the west. Tomorrow the south west will feel left out and sulk till midday.








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DA VINCI FANS "SICK TO THE PITS OF OUR STOMACHS"

Irate Leonardo da Vinci fans from all aover the globe have gathered outside the Louvre museum in Paris to riot against stuff.
"We're extremely angry and feel the need for vengeance against these upsetting events, besides we've never tried rioting before, usually we just go to museums or private collections, or read books." said one very annoyed fan.
They seemingly can't decide what they're more upset about, firstly the mere suggestion that one of  Leonardo's works be altered caused them a rather nasty case of insomnia and seemed to worsen their allergies, then the claim by the curator that the Mona Lisa contains "boring bits" caused them to be, as one malady stricken fan put it: "Sick to the pits of our stomachs."
They are now reported to be gathering weapons of mass destruction at the Louvre.
EVENING ALL! asked one man what they planned to do with them.
"Well, we've never really handled weapons before so we're really quite nervous, but we're seething with indignancy so who knows, maybe we'll borrow books from the library and  learn how to fire guns and stuff. Oh damn, I dropped my bullets down the drain. Hold my gun will you?"

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Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe it you only have yourself to

blame.

PROPOSED MONA LISA SIGNS

Staff at the Louvre are considering making alterations to Leonardo da Vinci’s great work which resides there. In an unprecedented move they plan to make her even more recognisable than before. Worried by her unusually small size they are concerned many may just pass her by without noticing. Professeur Jean Claude Renne Michel de Chateau Montblanc said “ Well nor-mally we ‘ave the larg(soft g)e crow-eds aro-wend the paint-ting, but per’aps we do not weone morn-ing (please apply stereotypical French accent for further special effects, our budget can no longer afford these expensive fake bad accent effects. Continue-) the small number of visitors may find it hard to find her, and then Sacre Blue! Where then are we? A beautiful lady ignored?! Mon Dieu! Beauty when overlooked becomes like the rose in the motor engine, redundant if you will.” said the curator.
Professeur Jean Claude Renne Michel de Chateau Montblanc has come up with a never before attempted solution for the problem which involve actually marking the surface of the painting:
“I have here the indelible marker, and I plan as you can see in the computer generated image to write a clear message on the boring bits which nobody will miss.”
At which point Michaelangelo was heard to laugh audibly from beyond the grave. The ghost of da Vinci was later seen examining the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for boring bits. I wonder did he mean nobody will miss the boring bits of the painting, or nobody will miss the signs? I think he meant the boring bits.

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Disclaimer: This is a load of fabricated nonsense, if you believe any of  it you only have yourself to blame.

AN OPEN (LOVE) LETTER TO JULIETTE BINOCHE (La Binoche)

Dear Juliette,

I mad like your Frenchness, you're a top-notcher no doubt, and when you did that shrug with your shoulders in that movie the other day it impressed me no end. I didn't even quite understand why you did it at that moment, it wasn't a time Irish people would generally shrug, so its mysterious French nature filled me with awe.
Also I like how you smoke cigarettes, I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say that these days, and maybe you should stop smoking, it's not good for you I've heard, but you looked like a real person smoking a ciggy, not an actor pretending they smoke and straining to look sexy unlike most actors from a certain famous movie industry in a certain big country when they do decide to be "daring" and have a character smoke in a scene to show how bad they are.

Anyway, just wanted to share Evening All's appreciation of you with your good self (and everyone else), if you ever want to give us your phone number or ask us (well me) on a date feel free to contact us (well me).


No disclaimer necessary, we mean this one.
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